Realizing You Can't Handle It

Warning - Whiny post ahead:

Because I'm trapped in some strange maze of utter confusion, I'm going to ask you wedcon-fellows for aid since I have no where else to turn. Or at least I'm going to write it all out and maybe make some sense out of my own thoughts.

A ton of family and vendor crap has been falling apart recently, and coupled with my dress scare the other day, I just haven't felt right in the head since. To summarize a little -

-zilch family members from my dad's side are coming. ZERO. On mom's side - only 3 cousins. To say each rejection feels like a stab in the heart is an understatement. I know I've already written about all that, but you can see the state of glum my mind has been subjected to.

-the florist sent over a picture of our mock up centerpiece. It looks horrible. I'm not going to post the picture since it is embarrassing, and I wouldn't want their business to look bad if they can still fix the problems. But seriously? It looks like they just dumped a pile of Ti leaves and anthuriums in bowl and called it a day. No structure, no arranging, no ferns like I had emphasized. I didn't know how to respond, but I hope it didn't turn out as rude as the thoughts in my head were sounding. But maybe it did, because I haven't heard back from them in several days.

-our second reception venue is kaput. Apparently some kid broke one of the tiles in the gym ceiling and now the church won't let us use their facilities for free anymore. And it's not nice enough for me to want to pay the exorbitant fee, so I'm starting over from scratch. Know any free/insanely cheap places to host an indoor lunch at in nor/central california?

-I finally found a hotel, but my family is waffling over whether it's the "right choice". A few of my amazingly-awesome friends that are actually coming have asked about where we're staying, so this is really holding everyone up. Considering they've waffled over everything so far, I'm half-inclined to just start doing things without asking their opinion first.

-Sak has done zero honeymoon research. He honestly thinks we're just going to go to Japan and find some hostels to stay at. There is no plan whatsoever. So I think I may have to take the reigns from him, because there is no way I'm going to be lost in a foreign country with no place to stay. Also, rail passes cost $700 a person. I totally hadn't budgeted for that. $1400!

There's more, but to sum it up, I feel very alone right now in all this decision making, and it's frustrating when everyone is telling you your decisions might not be right yet offer no helpful solutions. Frankly, I'm tired of the "oh, we'll wait and it'll happen" approach. Like the answer is just going to pop up and some magical fairy will solve all the issues. Because it's not. Someone has to make it happen, and that person has been me.

Hardly any of my vendors are proactive with me. Each takes multiple emails and phone calls to get anything done. Two of them won't even sign contracts. I want to call them all lazy and unprofessional, because by my standard, they are. But the business culture in Hawaii is just a lot more laid-back than it is here, and I can't relate to it.

My mother can never finish her "research" to make any decisions. Sak's mother hasn't said 2 words this entire engagement, other than to ask Sak what color her dress should be. I have no sisters (old enough) for help. I have no female friends for help. My male friends could care less. Sak's dad and aunt have been somewhat helpful, but they run the risk of replacing my ideas of how things should go with their own. (Light show dance, case in point.)

There's zero time between ceremony and reception, so whoever decorates will have to miss the ceremony. I still have no idea who is going to do this, which has been a constant thorn in my side for some time now.

I just feel very weighed down right now, like I'm drowning. It's caused several arguments between Sak and I lately. We are good at handling projects as a team, but dealing with people is really not our strong point. I know the proper solution would be to hire a DOC. I've been debating the issue since the beginning. But I have serious trust issues with people who know zero about us - our personalities, our vision. I know you meet with the DOC to discuss those things, but we are very inarticulate people in real life/on the phone. I'd probably let them push me around. Not to mention the thought of paying over $1k for a day's worth of service boggles my mind. And the thought of working with another slow-responding, laid-back Hawaiian vendor makes me nauseous.

I don't know. I think I need peace of mind more than anything. A wingman would be nice - someone anal retentive about details, someone not afraid to speak up, someone punctual, someone focused. Someone to assure me that everything will come out in the end, not by magic but by hard work and good decisions. Someone to take my ideas with enthusiasm and not raised eyebrows (bingo? whhaat?).

*sigh* My dream coordinator. She sounds a lot like many of you out there. Can I buy you a plane ticket to Hawaii? I don't even think that I'm kidding about that either.

Anyway, thanks for bearing with me through my stress-spasm. There's just so many variables left, and so few days left to solve them. :(