Thursday, April 15, 2010

Realizing You Can't Handle It

Warning - Whiny post ahead:

Because I'm trapped in some strange maze of utter confusion, I'm going to ask you wedcon-fellows for aid since I have no where else to turn. Or at least I'm going to write it all out and maybe make some sense out of my own thoughts.

A ton of family and vendor crap has been falling apart recently, and coupled with my dress scare the other day, I just haven't felt right in the head since. To summarize a little -

-zilch family members from my dad's side are coming. ZERO. On mom's side - only 3 cousins. To say each rejection feels like a stab in the heart is an understatement. I know I've already written about all that, but you can see the state of glum my mind has been subjected to.

-the florist sent over a picture of our mock up centerpiece. It looks horrible. I'm not going to post the picture since it is embarrassing, and I wouldn't want their business to look bad if they can still fix the problems. But seriously? It looks like they just dumped a pile of Ti leaves and anthuriums in bowl and called it a day. No structure, no arranging, no ferns like I had emphasized. I didn't know how to respond, but I hope it didn't turn out as rude as the thoughts in my head were sounding. But maybe it did, because I haven't heard back from them in several days.

-our second reception venue is kaput. Apparently some kid broke one of the tiles in the gym ceiling and now the church won't let us use their facilities for free anymore. And it's not nice enough for me to want to pay the exorbitant fee, so I'm starting over from scratch. Know any free/insanely cheap places to host an indoor lunch at in nor/central california?

-I finally found a hotel, but my family is waffling over whether it's the "right choice". A few of my amazingly-awesome friends that are actually coming have asked about where we're staying, so this is really holding everyone up. Considering they've waffled over everything so far, I'm half-inclined to just start doing things without asking their opinion first.

-Sak has done zero honeymoon research. He honestly thinks we're just going to go to Japan and find some hostels to stay at. There is no plan whatsoever. So I think I may have to take the reigns from him, because there is no way I'm going to be lost in a foreign country with no place to stay. Also, rail passes cost $700 a person. I totally hadn't budgeted for that. $1400!

There's more, but to sum it up, I feel very alone right now in all this decision making, and it's frustrating when everyone is telling you your decisions might not be right yet offer no helpful solutions. Frankly, I'm tired of the "oh, we'll wait and it'll happen" approach. Like the answer is just going to pop up and some magical fairy will solve all the issues. Because it's not. Someone has to make it happen, and that person has been me.

Hardly any of my vendors are proactive with me. Each takes multiple emails and phone calls to get anything done. Two of them won't even sign contracts. I want to call them all lazy and unprofessional, because by my standard, they are. But the business culture in Hawaii is just a lot more laid-back than it is here, and I can't relate to it.

My mother can never finish her "research" to make any decisions. Sak's mother hasn't said 2 words this entire engagement, other than to ask Sak what color her dress should be. I have no sisters (old enough) for help. I have no female friends for help. My male friends could care less. Sak's dad and aunt have been somewhat helpful, but they run the risk of replacing my ideas of how things should go with their own. (Light show dance, case in point.)

There's zero time between ceremony and reception, so whoever decorates will have to miss the ceremony. I still have no idea who is going to do this, which has been a constant thorn in my side for some time now.

I just feel very weighed down right now, like I'm drowning. It's caused several arguments between Sak and I lately. We are good at handling projects as a team, but dealing with people is really not our strong point. I know the proper solution would be to hire a DOC. I've been debating the issue since the beginning. But I have serious trust issues with people who know zero about us - our personalities, our vision. I know you meet with the DOC to discuss those things, but we are very inarticulate people in real life/on the phone. I'd probably let them push me around. Not to mention the thought of paying over $1k for a day's worth of service boggles my mind. And the thought of working with another slow-responding, laid-back Hawaiian vendor makes me nauseous.

I don't know. I think I need peace of mind more than anything. A wingman would be nice - someone anal retentive about details, someone not afraid to speak up, someone punctual, someone focused. Someone to assure me that everything will come out in the end, not by magic but by hard work and good decisions. Someone to take my ideas with enthusiasm and not raised eyebrows (bingo? whhaat?).

*sigh* My dream coordinator. She sounds a lot like many of you out there. Can I buy you a plane ticket to Hawaii? I don't even think that I'm kidding about that either.

Anyway, thanks for bearing with me through my stress-spasm. There's just so many variables left, and so few days left to solve them. :(


  1. Oh Penga! So sorry you are going through this! Its so much tougher planning a wedding on your own without support, input, advice from people you trust. Hang in there. Maybe you guys can take the weekend off wedding stuff to do something together and just reconnect outside of this madness. It will all still be there later. As for the guests who can't make it, try to focus on the two of you. After all, you guys are the important element in this wedding. You've done such an amazing job with all your planning and DIYing!

  2. Penga! Cheeeeer up! Do you need a boba run? Do you do boba? There's free coffee at Starbucks today if you bring a mug! :)

    I definitely understand how it must suck to not have people from certain sides come! Our wedding is overrun by my local folks (like 11 tables of them) and Tim only gets 3 and that includes his immediate family! :( But he doesn't seem to mind as much. I on the other hand is dealing with people that either invited themselves or that I kinda invited and I don't really care if they come. :-P

    Hmmm I can't think of free places to host an indoor lunch.... but... how insanely cheap is cheap? :] My venue is in Mill Valley and is... I'll email you :]

    Do the hotel! Do a minimum room block for your guests and your family can pick another if they don't like it!

    Haha yeah... I gave Tim the honeymoon responsiblity and.... I'm checking out books this week for Kauai. :]

  3. Wow Penga, I'm so sorry. Your situation sounds a LOT like mine. I have 0 family help, they couldn't care less and apparently my Uncles did not remember the date, and one didn't tell my Aunt (who he is married to). ANYWAY here's what we did, we booked everything before consulting my family, because frankly they wouldn't care. I booked the hotel I wanted, I booked another one at a cheaper price. I said to my family "Look I'm staying here, want me to book you a room? I will, but that's it". Yesterday was spent calling to book 5 rooms- none of which were for me. Why- because I know if I do it, it will get done.

    As for the honeymoon I am no help- Mr. AZ is phenomenal and has made amazing spreadsheets with macros that pull all the info for Italy. (Did I mention Mr. AZ is a mechanical engineer?) I can send it to you as a reference, if you want!

    We love love love you Penga, I'm sorry you're stressed.

  4. thanks girls <3

    @az - how did i not know you were going to italy? i won a guide book for italy a few months you want it? I dont really need it! I'd love to see his macros, that sounds really helpful!

  5. @Penga- I dunno, I don't think I've squealed about it yet on the blog. :o) And OMG YES!

    I am going to get on Mr. AZ's computer right now and email the macros off to you, I think he has the new one... if not I will email it to you tomorrow because I KNOW it's on his work computer.

  6. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this! I can totally relate to lots of it. I get the 'we'll just wait and see how it turns out' response all the time and it drives me crazy. We're down to 58 days, we can't really 'wait and see' anymore. I would TOTALLY be your DOC for free! I hope you're able to find someone to help you out to relieve a little stress! Hang in there - We're all here for you!

  7. I want to give you a BIG hug right now...
    (((((((( H U G S ))))))))
    I feel so bad for you that you're going through all of this right now. I would fly to Hawaii and help you for serious. We're planning to go to Hawaii in July for our honeymoon anyway. Patrick hasn't scheduled our trip yet (slackerrr) so I was seriously thinking that I could plan around your wedding and come crash your party.. I mean, come help you plan. :) Cheer up. I know that your wedding is going to be amazing because you are an amazing planner and DIY diva. Hang in there, ok? It's normal to feel a little stressed out and weighed down right now, but I have faith that everything is going to be just fine. And remember, if you need an extra hand, I'm willing to come help!

  8. @laura - thanks for the support. I do think it's really hard to get people out of that do-nothing mindset!

    @bee - seriously?! i'd be honored if you two could come! and as guests, not slave workers, of course! ;) I'm going to mail you an invite on the possibility that you'll be honeymooning at the same time :D

  9. I'm dead serious! I would totally crash your party. =) I should start getting on Patrick's case about booking the honeymoon already. Or maybe I'll just take over the plans since he is too busy playing video games to bother. Attending the Sewing wedding would be the highlight of our honeymoon for sure!

  10. Penga! I've been in ABQ (I know... really? New Mexico?) the past few days without internet so I just read this now!! ::hugs!::

    I totally understand the pain about the family thing. Not one member from my mom's side is coming. She is the 10th of 11 children (all living) but they all live up north and they're all poor... and somehow it is my fault that they're not coming. (Yes, my mom somehow blamed me on this one!) I felt totally rejected and after comparing my family numbers (hey, its 2 days after our RSVP deadline... and about 8 of my dad's family has RSVP;d) Pete seems to have a wonderful supportive family and I have nil. Cool.

    On everything else, seriously I think we all feel like we're in this boat. I was very suspicious about the blogsphere and I can't say I'm a huge Weeding Bee fan (although I <3 you and am so glad you're on it!) as my life does not revolve around weddings. Between constantly working (Hello, Albuquerque!) and finishing the term (who knew you could be assigned this many papers!) I feel as if the wedding has taken a back seat so far that I can't see it anymore.
    Thankfully, however, I have you wonderful, supportive ladies to keep me going and the encouragement is more than you could ever know! Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you as I'd be more than glad to!

    Oh, and about that honeymoon... I took the reigns and guess who will be on a 2 day wine tour now!! (It pays to plan your honeymoon...)

  11. Penga, I've had this open for a while to try and figure out what to say, but the only thing I can think of is ::hugs:: - not very verbose, but that's what it is. Stress and all these decisions/problems suck. We out in the internet are here for you!

  12. @hannah - i envy your approach! it sounds much more healthy than getting too involved. and i do sometimes wonder if the 'bee has added to my overall stress levels. maybe the subconscious pressure of having to live up to expectations. Not that I know what those are, exactly. lol.

    and @hannah & bee - i think you might be right, maybe I should wedge myself in on the HM planning more. the wine tour sounds nice :)

    @ash - thanks :) stress certainly does suck.

  13. People who stay in hotels and people who stay in hostels are actually looking for something different from their travels.

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