Just a Little Vent..

The first piece of wisdom my mother imparted to me at the start of my engagement was this - "There is no such thing as a drama-less wedding".

But at the start, it's hard to take off the rose-colored glasses. We were so in love, our families were supportive, our friends were so excited for us.

But now, around the five month mark, I'm realizing maybe Mom was right.

Hello, drama.

Now to be fair, this is a one-sided monologue of a drama, as the angst and anger and disappointment lies solely with the bride.

A destination wedding. You never know who is going to be able to make it. So I invited pretty much all of California, hoping at least a few could come. There was no slashing of our list.

But I don't think it quite hit me then. That some of my loved ones won't be there.

As we build and prepare to send out our invitations, I'm scared. I'm scared of the "not attendings" we'll get in the mail. I'm scared that I'll take every "no" personally, and that the irrational part of my mind will convince me that it is because they don't like me, or don't approve of my marriage. I'm scared that I'll be planning a party for people I hardly know (Sak's side), and that I'll be the stranger at my own wedding.

Now Penga, don't be silly, right? It's Hawaii, people would come in a heartbeat if they could. It's not a cheap vacation. I'd be wrong to expect those that are not financially secure.

But what if the "no" has nothing to do with finances?

What if it's someone you've offered to pay for?
What if it's someone you know can make it, but they say they don't want to "deal with the airport" or they "don't want to leave their dog"?
What if it's someone how at first said yes, but now changes their mind because they "miscalculated their vacation time"?

How do you not take things like that personally?

I've lost a lot of faith in my friends and family. People I had assumed that would be there for me. But I shouldn't have assumed in the first place. I shouldn't have created that mental picture of our wedding day, with those key people smiling happily around me.

I need a new mantra - a pessimistic belief that I should expect no one is going to come. Like when you convince yourself you flunked a test, simply so you will be overjoyed when you get that C. I don't want any more disappointment. I don't want to think that we're putting our heart and soul into planning a party that no one cares about. I just can't handle that thought.

I apologize for the negative post. But sometimes you just need to lay your problems out there in the open so they can evaporate away. So you can come back to them later and realize how silly you were being. When the rational mind returns to tell you that maybe the sad excuses you've been given were just masks for some deeper, unknown problem.

I think I need a cheer-up-cream-puff today.